


Do monsters make war, or does war make monsters?

by the_griffin_green_blakes



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Becho, POV Clarke Griffin, Post-Season/Series 05, Season/Series 06, Season/Series 06 Speculation, The 100 (TV) Season 6, but they break up bc this is a bellarke fic so, eventual smut so the rating will change, i curse a lot and it shows in my writing sorry, in this house we love and respect Clarke Griffin, nothing from the 601 ep that aired at wondercon tho, stuff from the trailer makes an appearance in this so if you consider that spoilers don't read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2019-12-29 01:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18297311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_griffin_green_blakes/pseuds/the_griffin_green_blakes
Summary: Ever since I started writing this I've been calling it "s6 bellarke fic of angst" in my head, if that tells you anything.New year, new book, new planet, not quite the same old shit.As if dealing with her friends all hating her wasn't enough, Clarke now has to deal with a new planet that seems just as determined to kill them as the last one. The people here are nicer though, right? ...Right?Title from Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor (if you haven't read it, do so now and thank me later)Special thanks to my wonderful betas: Alinea (tumblr @lameblake), the first person to read this story and give me feedback that made me feel like maybe I wasn't so bad at this, and Hope (tumblr @thatwanderingwriter), who has encouraged me since this fic was just an abstract thought and also never doubted me for a minute. Without either of you, this fic would be a car crash on fire





	1. Chapter 1

Clarke’s mind was moving faster than Madi’s mouth ran when she got really excited about something, which was really saying a lot, if you asked her.

How could  _ one hundred and twenty five years _ have passed since they went into cryo? How could two of her dearest friends be dead? How could Earth be dead?

Well. Dead-er than it already was, she supposed.

She was jerked from her thoughts when she felt Bellamy lift his free arm to wipe at the tears running rivers down his face. She suddenly realized that her head was resting on his shoulder and his head was leaning on top of hers and they probably really shouldn’t have been in that position to begin with, regardless of circumstances. How long had they been standing there like that? Where was Jordan?

Ducking a bit, Clarke hastily stepped out of the circle of Bellamy’s arm, causing him to make what sounded like an involuntary noise of protest. Before she could get far, he had reached out and turned her towards him once again, though there was still--thankfully--about a foot of space between them this time. “Hey,” he exhaled, voice rough as he reached up his opposite hand to wipe at  _ her _ tears, as if such a thing were still normal and fine between them. Regardless of what Madi said to him before cryo, there was no possible way he could just be…. _ okay _ with everything. She snapped back to the present to hear him asking, “You okay?” She blinked up at him to find that one side of his mouth had twisted up in the semblance of a smile. “Stupid question I guess, huh?”  _ Half a smile for half a joke. _

Clarke gave a jerky nod in response and had to clear her throat twice before she could force words out of her mouth. “Fine. I’m fine. How are you? They were your family.”

She didn’t dare look at him to check, but Clarke could picture the way his brows furrowed. “Clarke, they were your--”

The bridge doors hissed open behind them, and they spun around to find Jordan again. “Sorry, seemed like you guys needed a minute. I never really learned proper etiquette seeing as I was only ever around two other people, was that okay?” 

“Of course!” The words practically burst from Clarke’s throat. “Of course it was okay, Jordan, but you also didn’t have to...You don’t have to grieve alone.”

A sniff and a nod, with a muttered, “Yeah, thanks,” was all Clarke got in response before Jordan started staring out at the planet behind them. It was quiet for another minute, Clarke studiously avoiding Bellamy’s gaze and Bellamy continuously trying to discreetly get her attention when Jordan said, “So, what do we do now?”

There was a pause. Clarke glanced at Bellamy out of the corner of her eye, already finding his eyes on hers and a sly smirk on his face. She sighed. “Fine. But  _ just this once _ . We are  _ not _ starting that shit again.”

Jordan looked between the two of them with a puckered brow and a confused frown. “Doing what?”

And Bellamy, with a brilliant smile that made Clarke’s heart absolutely ache, spun around to Jordan and said, “ _ Whatever the hell we want.” _

Clarke sighed again.

But, as a smile slowly started to creep across Jordan’s face and reach all the way up to light up his eyes, she thought that maybe that idea wasn’t so bad. 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

The plan they cobbled together looked like this:

Step one: wake the other members of their informal counsel from cryo.

…

...

….That was it. That was pretty much the whole plan.

Clarke fought with herself the whole way from the bridge to the cryo chambers. She was so proud of Madi for leading her people to victory in the valley, and even more proud of her for saving the lives of the Eligians. That being said, she couldn’t get Madi’s voice out of her head.

_ Clarke, I’m not a child anymore. _

_ But you are, _ Clarke thought.  _ You’re  _ my  _ child. _ And what Clarke wanted more than anything was to not shove some whole new unknown planet onto Madi’s twelve year old shoulders and make her figure out what to do with it.

She caught Bellamy’s sleeve and tugged, and he turned to face her. Before she could lose her nerve, she rushed out, “Bellamy, look, could we maybe--listen I know that it can’t last forever, but at least for now--”

“Clarke, woah, hey,” Bellamy soothed, stepping towards her. “Slow down, what’s wrong?”

Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Just for now, in this initial wake-up wave, could we not wake up Madi? I just, we have no idea what’s down there,  _ no idea _ what we’re going to do, and I don’t want to thrust all of that on her immediately. I’d feel better if we had at least some semblance of a plan before we forced my twelve year old daughter to act like an adult.” She peeked her eyes open to see him nodding slowly.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. But just for now, though. Once Raven and Shaw figure out what we’re dealing with--because I have no doubt they will--we wake her up, alright? She deserves to be in on this, Clarke, like it or not.”

Swallowing, Clarke nodded. He was right. Like it or not, her daughter was the Commander now, and she had to get used to it. 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

They had decided it was best to only wake up the rest of Spacekru and Shaw for right now. As the five of them climbed out of their chambers, Clarke saw Murphy wince and made a mental note to check on his stitches when they had a minute. She stood off to the side with Jordan and tried not to look too depressed when, one after another, Spacekru embraced Bellamy, with Echo holding onto him the longest--and none of them so much as glanced in her direction.

It wasn’t long before the dreaded question came, and unsurprisingly it was Raven who asked it, smiling as she glanced around the room as if she was going to find someone hiding in a corner. “Where are Monty and Harper?”

Clarke and Bellamy exchanged a look as Clarke put a comforting hand on Jordan’s shoulder. Jordan tried valiantly to smile back at her, but she knew it would be a long time before it didn’t hurt any of them like the stabbing of a knife. At the movement of Clarke’s hand, the others glanced over, Raven and Echo’s eyes narrowing. “Who are you?” Echo demanded.

Bellamy cleared his throat. “Guys, the plan...well, the plan didn’t exactly work out. This is Jordan. He’s...he’s Monty and Harper’s son.”

Everyone gasped. Emori put a hand over her mouth and leaned a little closer to Murphy. Shaw squinted like he was doing a hard math problem. Raven just kind of blinked with a puckered brow. Echo’s face was carefully blank.

It was Murphy who spoke first, slowly. “Monty and Harper’s son.” He was staring at Jordan in absolute disbelief. “Oh, shit. No, come on, Blake, where are they, what kind of a joke--”

“It isn’t a joke,” Jordan spoke up. He cleared his throat. “Mom and Dad, uh, they didn’t…”

“They didn’t put themselves into cryo,” Clarke announced, squeezing Jordan’s shoulder again. “They stayed awake to monitor Earth and live their lives together.”

“Okay,” Murphy said, slowly again as if the words weren’t quite making sense. “So where are they now?”

Bellamy scrubbed a hand down his face, glancing down for a moment before squaring his shoulders as if to brace himself and looking back at his family. “We’ve been asleep for a long time, you guys. Way longer than anyone ever thought we would be. Long enough that Harper and Monty lived long, happy lives, and...and died when they were old.”

Silence.

And then all of Spacekru erupted at once.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Clarke hunted down a small first aid kit from the mothership’s med bay before making her way back to the bridge where she knew the others had gathered. She walked in to find Bellamy showing Monty and Harper’s video to everyone. They all appeared to be in various states of misery. Clarke was thankful that, for now at least, the shades were down on the window so the new planet wasn’t currently visible. The last thing she wanted to see right now was the beauty of their hopefully-new-home when her heart felt so heavy. It was her fault they were in this mess to begin with, and she didn’t deserve a new planet.

Before she made her way to Murphy, she stopped next to Jordan leaning against the wall looking down at the floor. “Hey,” she whispered. “How you holding up?”

He glanced up at her, startled. “I’m fine.”

“It’s okay to not be fine, Jordan, really. No matter how much we all loved Monty and Harper, they’re  _ you’re _ parents, and you just lost them. Not to mention that you’ve just met so many new people for the first time and you’re probably overwhelmed. It’s alright, really.”

She could tell Jordan was doing his best to smile back at her as if something was funny. “Technically, I haven’t met any  _ new _ people at all. Mom and Dad talked about you all the time, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.”

Clarke mock-scowled back at him. “You know what I mean. If you need anything, I’m always here, okay?”

Jordan nodded back. “Thanks, Clarke.”

With a small smile in his direction, she turned to head over to Murphy. By now, the video had finished playing and Raven was starting to spew rapid-fire questions at Bellamy. Clarke didn’t know any more than anyone else, so she tuned it out in favor of telling Murphy, “Alright, let’s see those incisions.”

Murphy grumbled a, “Yes, doc,” and turned to give her access to his bandages, which she started unwrapping. She had gotten the bandages off and was so focused on her inspection that she didn’t hear the steel window cover sliding up behind her to reveal the new planet.

Murphy gasped in a breath like he was in pain, and Clarke rolled her eyes. “I’ve barely even touched you, it’s not that--”

“Clarke.” Murphy just said her name, but it was enough. She noticed the sudden amount of light in the room, and swallowed.

“Oh,” she said weakly. “Right.” Sneaking a peek at the planet out of the corner of her eye, she continued redressing Murphy’s wounds. Once she was finished, she stepped out of his way so he could rush over to the window with the others. Even Bellamy had his face pressed against the glass again. Unable to bear it, Clarke escaped back out the hallway to return the med kit where she found it.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

The next several days were a blur. Clarke knew that Raven, Emori, and Shaw--with the help of Jordan--were doing everything they could to find out what they could about the new planet. The radiation levels seemed okay--a little bit higher than the earth after the 100 fell from space, but nothing unsurvivable--and when the cloud coveraged cleared they could tell that much more of this planet was covered in water than earth was. They had also been trying to contact the Eligius III civilization or find any sign of life, to no avail. 

Clarke spent the better part of her days in the med bay, taking inventory and avoiding the glares of Spacekru--especially from Raven and Echo. Ever since Echo had started a fight about waking Heda up that first day on the bridge with Clarke vehemently yelling back that they weren’t doing that until absolutely necessary, they had tried to steer clear of each other. Raven, however, hadn’t said a word to Clarke or even looked in her direction since they’d woken up. 

Sometimes Jordan would come visit her, but usually he was kept busy by Raven and Shaw. Monty had made it a point to teach Jordan everything he knew, so now there were four tech-savvy hands on deck instead of three, which was a big help. Clarke, however, couldn’t help but find herself a little bummed since it meant she didn’t get to see him much. But she knew that it was really good for him to be spending so much time with his family after all these years--especially since he didn’t have his parents anymore--so in the end she was more grateful than anything.

She hadn’t seen much of Bellamy or Murphy, either. She honestly had no idea where Murphy was or what he was doing, but she knew that Bellamy was being kept busy by Raven, too. For each new bit of information they found out about the new planet--where the elevation indicated mountains, where they found rivers and lakes--they factored it into whatever plans they were piecing together. Clarke was very relieved to be left out of it.

Because at night the nightmares came for Clarke, even worse than they were after Praimfaya and before she found Madi. She saw each one of her sins in gruesome detail, over and over and over again. Killing the grounders with fire at the dropship. Mount Weather. Lexa, dying because of her. Making the list of one hundred people that got to live if they had to hunker down at Arkadia when Praimfaya hit. Failing to stop McCreary, landing everyone one hundred and twenty five years out into space. Monty and Harper dying because of it. Every drop of blood that had ever been spilled either directly or indirectly by her coated her hands in her dreams, so realistic that she scrubbed them raw when she woke up.

The worst, though--the worst was not saving Madi before the chip was put in her head. The worst was leaving Bellamy in Polis because of it.

She relived that the most, in her dreams and in her waking hours. She woke up gasping, clutching her chest and already halfway out of bed to run to the cryo chambers. She collapsed against Madi’s pod, running her fingers over the glass over and over, trying to convince herself through her tears that her daughter was safe, she was fine, she was resting and at peace. She tried her damnedest to come to terms with the fact that her little girl wasn’t going to just get to be a kid, anymore.

She would never be able to come to terms with her daughter turning into another Clarke, making decisions far too large for a child to ever have to make, having more blood on her hands by the time she turned eighteen than anyone should in their entire lives, becoming a monster so her people could live.

She didn’t hate Bellamy for his part in it, though. She definitely was not happy, and if she could do it all over again she’d make sure it didn’t happen, but she could not find it in herself to hate him. She had never been capable of hating Bellamy Blake, not really, even during those initial days at the dropship. Especially now when he meant the whole world to her, how could she ever hate him? Sometimes she wasn’t even all that mad, having come to terms with why he did it--to stop his sister, to save his people, to do the very thing they had fought side by side to do six--one hundred and thirty one?--years ago. 

Sometimes, though, sometimes she was still pissed.

That was her  _ daughter _ he gave the Flame to. A  _ twelve year old child. _ Madi’s parents before Praimfaya had gone to great lengths to make sure she never found herself in the position she was now in, and Madi survived the end of the world on her own just to be brought back to square one six years later. 

She couldn’t forgive herself for leaving Bellamy in Polis, though. She wouldn’t change it if she could do it over again because she had a responsibility to protect her daughter; if they had stayed in Polis Madi would have died by Octavia’s hand. But...she wished there had been another way. Leaving Bellamy--well, Lexa had been right. It was her biggest regret. 

So she woke up every day with blood dripping from her fingertips and out her eyes and her ears and leaching from her soul. She spent all of her time either watching over Madi in cryo or in med bay. And she did her best not to think of Bellamy, to not be hurt when he didn’t seek her out just as much as she wasn’t seeking him out. Just like she did her best to pretend like she didn’t miss Raven either, or even Murphy. To pretend like she didn’t want to get to know Emori and Shaw better. To pretend like she didn’t want to get to know Echo, because anyone Bellamy loved was obviously special.

Maybe if she kept pretending, eventually she’d believe herself.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

The med bay door hissed open, but Clarke didn’t look away from of the medicine cabinet she was organizing. “Hey, Jordan. Lunch time already?” she asked. Jordan had taken it upon himself to ensure that Clarke ate at least twice a day. If she was being honest with herself--which she hated doing, anymore--him bringing her food and watching her semi-suspiciously as she ate it was probably the only reason she ate anything at all, and she was pretty sure he knew that. It’s not that Monty’s algae wasn’t appealing--it definitely wasn’t, but everyone knew that and it was nothing new--she was just never hungry. Everything kind of tasted like blood to her lately.

The voice that answered her, though, was not Jordan’s. “So, this is where you’ve been hiding. I probably should have known.”

Clarke spun around to see Murphy leaning against one of the exam tables behind her. “You’re not Jordan.”

He raised a sardonic eyebrow at her. “How very observant of you. I think the nephew is on the bridge with the rest of the A team, trying to save the world again.”

Clarke nodded. “Did you need something? Are your incisions healing okay?”

At his shrug, she frowned. “I’m fine, Griffin. What are you doing?”

Clarke shrugged right back. “Inventory, organizing. Never know when we’re gonna need any of this stuff in a hurry, figured it’d be best to be prepared.”

He smirked at her. “Always planning for trouble.”

Sighing, she turned back to the task at hand. “Trouble has a way of finding me whether I want it to her not. Finding all of us, really.”

Murphy snorted. “You got that right.”

For a while it was quiet, but Clarke could still feel his eyes on the back of her head. It was quite irritating. “Spit it out, Murphy.”

Whatever Clarke had expected him to say, “Are you okay?” was definitely not it. 

She spun to face him and frowned again. Murphy was going to give her wrinkles. She was very old now, after all. “What do you mean, am I okay? Of course I’m okay. I’m just organizing med bay.”

Murphy rolled his eyes, straightening. “Jordan said you haven’t really been eating and you’ve been acting weird, so I’m just checking in or...whatever.”

Clarke’s mouth opened and closed a few times before she could actually force something to come out of it. “What? Jordan knows I’ve been eating, he brings me food every day.”

Running a hand down his face and looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here having any conversation but this one, Murphy sighed. “Look, Griffin, you look like shit. I’m pretty sure you haven’t slept since we woke up--”

“I slept for one hundred and twenty five years, why would I need to sleep anymore for at least the next decade?”

He kept talking as if she’d never said anything. “--and Jordan said you barely eat half the bowl of algae that he brings you.”

“Since when do you talk to Jordan so much?” she demands indignantly.

“Oh, my God, Griffin.” She had never seen Murphy look so Done with her in one hundred and thirty one years of knowing him. “That’s not the point. What--”

The intercom above their heads crackled to life, spilling Raven’s voice out of it. “Everyone get your asses to the bridge.”

_ Saved by the bell. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People argue, Murphy is a bro, Charmaine Diyoza is an absolute queen, Clarke is a mess, and what else is new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya kids its two in the damn morning and I cannot sleep so here have a chapter

Everyone else was already there when Murphy and Clarke arrived on the bridge. Raven raised an eyebrow at the two of them walking in together and Jordan seemed a little relieved, but before anyone else could really take note, Raven had demanded all of their attention.

“It’s been over a week since we woke up and there’s still no sign of human life on that damn planet, so we need to come up with our next plan of action. Thoughts?” Raven swung her bright gaze around the room, skipping over Clarke entirely as if she didn’t exist. 

Apparently, everyone had a lot of thoughts.

Shaw wanted to send a team down to the ground to scope it out and see if they couldn’t get in touch with anyone that way. Jordan was against this, citing both the time that the 100 landed on earth and the Eligians in this very ship landed in the valley, prompting wars each time. Emori argued that if they went down the right way, without crashing into any villages or with guns blazing, this outcome could be avoided. Echo immediately responded that to go in without guns would be suicide, because who knows what the fuck this planet could have in store for them--a point that Bellamy and Shaw vocally agreed to and Clarke silently agreed to. At this, Murphy scoffed. “Because that would really make us the good guys.”

Silence.

Well. He had a point.

“Okay!” Raven clapped her hands, drawing everyone’s attention once again. “Glad we can all agree  _ so well _ . Let’s find a middle ground, shall we?”

“Why don’t we wake Heda and see what she decides?” Echo said, causing Clarke’s head to whip in her direction.

“Absolutely not!” Clarke was well aware that the first words out of her mouth for this entire discussion were actually a demand, and that it was something the others consider very unhelpful, and she did not give a singular fuck. That was her daughter they were talking about, so they could get over it. “I already told you, we’re not waking Madi until it’s absolutely necessary--”

“It  _ is _ necessary!” Echo practically exploded. “And she is  _ Heda _ ! She deserves to make this decision--”

“What she  _ deserves _ ,” Clarke replied, venom practically dripping from her words, “is to be a normal twelve year old kid who’s greatest worry is learning her history lessons,  _ not _ deciding how the human race is going to survive.”

Echo’s head tilted impossibly higher, looking down her nose at Clarke. “Being Heda is a great honor--”

“ _ Being Heda is a death sentence! _ ”

In the wake of her explosion, Clarke was breathing hard and everyone else around her seemed frozen except for Echo, who was still staring at Clarke as if she’d rather throw a knife at the blonde’s chest and be done with it. Clarke could not blame her, as the feeling was absolutely mutual in this moment. 

“Clarke,” came Bellamy’s voice, tentative, but before he could say anything else she spun on her heel and left the bridge.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

She was not aware of where her feet were carrying her until she had collapsed at the foot of Madi’s pod, nearly sobbing.

_ It’s my responsibility to protect you it’s my job to keep you safe I have to keep you safe _

“Clarke, hey, Clarke, you’re okay, it’s okay.” Clarke nearly jumped out of her skin at the feeling of a tentative hand on her shoulder. She hadn’t heard anyone following her, and the last person she expected to comfort someone crying was Murphy, but for the second time that day, he surprised her. 

“I can’t--I’m not--” She was gasping, now, barely getting any air into her lungs.  _ I always try so so hard and I’ve done everything I could for the last six years to keep Madi safe, to make sure she had a peaceful life, and now it’s all coming crumbling down around me and I don’t know what to  _ do _ , I don’t know  _ how

“Shhh,” Murphy said, turning her surprisingly gently and placing both hands on her shoulders. “I know, Clarke, it’s alright. We’ll figure it out, okay, but first I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me?” Clarke kept sobbing, breathing erratic, prompting Murphy to shake her a bit. “ _ Clarke _ . You need to  _ breathe _ .” And his tone of voice brooked no arguments, and so Clarke really did her best. 

After a while her best became good enough, and her breathing started to slow. Clarke became aware enough to realize that she was sitting with her back against Murphy’s chest, his hand pressed atop her chest pushing down with light pressure when she needed to breathe out and relaxing when she needed to breathe in. How in the world did they end up like this? She was trying to decide whether or not she should feel embarrassed when Murphy squeezed her shoulders. “Better?”

Clarke nodded and scooted away so she could turn around and face him. She looked up warily at him, trying to decide just what in the fuck happened.

Murphy snorted, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Let’s just never talk about this particular thing again, okay? I have a reputation to uphold.”

It was Clarke’s turn to snort, and she rolled her eyes for good measure, too. “Uh huh.” Then she hesitated before reaching out with one hand to touch Murphy’s forearm. “Thanks, though. I, uh. That was helpful.”

Murphy looked mildly horrified. “What did I just fucking say, Griffin?  _ Never speak of it again. _ ” And then, as if to prove that he is the uncaring sarcastic asshole that he projected himself to be, he reached over and unceremoniously pushed Clarke from her seated position flat onto the ground in a heap.

This, of all things, made Clarke laugh. It was semi-hysterical and not entirely sane sounding, but it was the first time she had laughed since the Eligius ship landed in the valley. She rolled over to see Murphy almost smiling fondly at her, and upon feeling her gaze he promptly scowled again (because his reputation and all that, Clarke assumed). 

“Are you good now?” he demanded. “No more water works? We don’t have to go through this again in the foreseeable future?”

Clarke sat up and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, drama queen, I’m good. You can quit being so nice to me now.”

“Thank  _ God _ .” And with that Murphy scrambled up to his feet. “Wanna go get something to eat?”

“Nah, I think I just want to sit here with Madi for a bit.”

Murphy gave her A Look.

“I’m fine! Really. I just need to catch my breath and sit here for a bit. I’ll eat later, I  _ swear _ .”

After eyeing her like he still didn’t believe her one bit, Murphy rolled his eyes and strolled towards the door. “Whatever, Griffin. If you starve yourself, I’ll kick your ass.”

“Noted.”

_____________________________________________________________________

 

The next day they all reconvened on the bridge to once again to formulate a plan. Clarke knew that Bellamy had been looking for her, but after her little outburst the day before she’d been actively avoiding him, and weirdly she got the feeling that Murphy knew this and was helping. Jordan had come to check on her several times, and Echo and Raven were still not acknowledging Clarke’s existence.

So, really, not a whole lot had changed.

Apparently, after Clarke had stormed out the day before, the others had decided to send down a small party to scope out the planet. They wanted to see if there were any immediate signs of life--human or otherwise--and do things like take soil samples. They’d be armed--“low key armed”, was Shaw’s exact phrasing--in case of emergency, but they weren’t supposed to appear threatening to any lifeforms. Which was probably easier said than done.

Today they were evidently trying to decide who should go on this little mission. Which of course meant more arguing.

Obviously they needed a pilot to fly them down to the ground. Raven was the first to volunteer, because  _ duh _ . Shaw quickly shot this down, saying that he could handle it and he was from the other Eligius crew so he should go, and they’d need a pilot to stay on the mothership in case anything went wrong. This prompted Raven to say that Emori and Jordan could handle it if need be and that she was  _ going, goddamnit _ , and before Shaw could reply, Emori jumped in, saying that she was very flattered by Raven’s faith in her but  _ no way in hell could she handle that shit _ . Jordan pointed out that he had literally never been put under any sort of pressure in the entire 23 years of his life and he would not like to start with an emergency piloting mission because something went wrong,  _ thank you very much _ . 

The argument circled back around to Raven and Shaw, who by this point were nearly in each other’s faces. Before it escalated further, Emori stepped in and pushed them apart. Bellamy grabbed Shaw and pulled him back, and Emori started murmuring quietly to Raven with Echo at her back with a hand on her shoulder. Murphy looked bored leaning against a wall like he’d rather be anywhere else, and Jordan looked distinctly uncomfortable.

Clarke cleared her throat. “I think we should wake Diyoza.”

“ _ What? _ ” All heads shot in her direction, everyone speaking rapidly at once. “Why in  _ the hell _ \--” “Are you  _ crazy?” _ “That is absolutely the least helpful thing I can think of.”

She waited until it all died down before she spoke again. “She seems to know everything all the time, which may mean she knows more about Eligius than we do. Also, she has no other option than to be on our side right now. All she wants is to find a peaceful place to live and raise her daughter, which means she’ll want to help us. She makes good plans and has a sharp mind, and we need that right now.”

“Yeah, until she starts making plans  _ against us _ .” Raven shook her head at Clarke in disbelief. “You cannot be serious.”

“Clarke is right.” All heads snapped in Bellamy’s direction this time, including Clarke’s. When her eyes met his, she quickly swallowed and looked away. “Diyoza could have helpful information or ideas, and it’s not like she can really do much damage right now anyway. There’s eight of us and one of her, her entire army is asleep, and like Clarke said, helping us is her best option right now. All she wants is to protect her daughter, which means finding peace.” At this sentence, Clarke’s eyes again met Bellamy’s, finding his already on her. Hope sparked in her chest for a moment before she squashed it like a gnat. 

This argument continued for a while, Clarke once again retreating into the background. She’d said her piece and was no longer needed, so she just waited out the verdict. Eventually the arguing stopped, and they all stared warily at one another. “Fine,” Echo finally huffed. “Go wake the traitor.”

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Diyoza handled the news of the new planet and their bullshit situation exactly as Clarke thought she would, which is to say: quite well. She merely nodded, the gears in her head already turning and coming up with a new plan. Unfortunately, she knew nothing more about Eligius III than they did. They shared their search party idea with her and she agreed, then began to help them lay the best course of action.

After more arguments, a lot of yelling, and a very pissed off Raven, it was decided that Raven, Jordan, and Diyoza would stay on the mothership. The other six would go to the ground. Diyoza thought they should add more numbers to that.

“The point is to appear  _ non-threatening _ ,” Bellamy said, pinching the bridge of his nose. His shoulders were tense--had been tense for hours--and he looked so tired. When he first reappeared on earth after six long years, he’d looked rested and more at peace with himself than he ever had. Now, though, between the war for the valley and their new dilemma, it was like the weight of their dropship days was back on his shoulders and taking its toll. “Why would adding  _ more _ people to an invading group appear  _ non-threatening _ ?”

“If you are so determined to be minimally armed you at least need more people,” Diyoza snapped. “More warriors, people that could do maximum damage with minimal devices. And maybe wake another one of your doctors, too, just in case. Your girlfriend is good, but she’s only one woman, and you have no idea what this new planet will bring you.”

Bellamy blinked at her. “Echo isn’t a doctor, she’s a spy; you know that.”

Diyoza blinked right back. “Echo? What does she have to do with anything?”

If anything, Bellamy looked even more confused. “You were talking about my girlfriend...”

“Yes,” Diyoza stated impatiently, “your girlfriend Clarke, the doctor.”

Bellamy sputtered as Clarke felt her cheeks heat up. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Murphy trying his best--and failing horribly--to wipe a smirk off his face. Raven and Echo were both scowling ferociously. “Clarke isn’t--I mean we’re not--I’m not dating Clarke, Echo is my girlfriend--”

“ _ What?” _ Diyoza’s head moved back and forth between Clarke and Bellamy. “You went up against an entire army with nothing but a mug and threatened 300 of that army’s men for a woman that  _ isn’t your girlfriend _ ?”

Bellamy looked completely at a loss as to what to say. “Uh, I mean, yeah. She’s...she’s Clarke. Of course I did.”

In the ensuing silence, Echo’s glare got more and more deadly, and became increasingly aimed in Clarke’s direction more than anyone else’s. Finally, Murphy muttered, “Well, this is awkward,” although Clarke noted that he did not sound very unhappy about it.

Diyoza hummed. Nodded, like she’d picked up another puzzle piece and had an idea of where it went. Said, “Okay, then. Sure. You still need another doctor that isn’t  _ Clarke _ .”

And Clarke tried her best to melt into the wall.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

In the end, Bellamy agreed on adding another doctor to the mix--Jackson, since everyone agreed that Abby would be in no shape for this mission--and one more warrior for added protection. Surprisingly, he chose Miller to be that warrior.

Clarke guessed it made some sense. He and Bellamy  _ had _ been close before Praimfaya, and Bellamy had always trusted Miller to have his back and take care of their loved ones. But after Blodreina...well. Clarke was a little surprised.

They finally called it quits for the day and decided to wake the others tomorrow and make a concrete plan then. Clarke headed straight for Madi’s pod, wanting to spend a few minutes with her daughter before bed, because tomorrow…

“Tomorrow everything is going to change,” she whispered to the pod, wishing that Madi would respond, but at the same time she was glad the girl couldn’t.

Footsteps sounded behind her, but Clarke didn’t turn around, already having expected this. “It’s time, isn’t it?” She imagined brushing her fingers through Madi’s hair, kissing her forehead, making her giggle. “Tomorrow, when we wake the others up, I have to wake her too, don’t I?”

Bellamy sounded hesitant as if afraid of setting her off again when he said, “Yeah, Clarke. Yeah, we need to wake her.”

Clarke nodded. She knew it was necessary, she really did. And she wanted to give Madi the chance to lead her people, she just didn’t want her to have to make any of the hard decisions.

There wasn’t anything Clarke was capable of saying at that moment, so she stayed silent. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bellamy open and close his mouth several times, as if struggling to find words himself. But in the end, his gruff voice only muttered, “I’ll be in my room if you need me,” before he left the cryo room, leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

The next morning, instead of gasping, Clarke woke up screaming--which was a really grand start to what was surely going to be a really grand day. 

She was scrubbing her hands over her face and through her hair as if she could pull the images out of her head--images of Madi dying with a sword in her gut, of Bellamy coughing up blood right before fire consumed his body, of Raven dying in a ship crash--when there was frantic knocking on her door.

“Clarke? Clarke, are you okay? I heard screaming.”

Clarke sighed and pulled herself out of bed to open the door. “I’m fine, Murphy, just bad dreams.” She took him in: eyes wild, hair a mess, shirt askew, sleep pants with bare feet. “What happened to you?”

Murphy blinked at her. “What happened to--what happened to  _ me? _ Clarke,  _ you’re _ the one that was just screaming like an alien was carving your heart out with a dull knife!”

This got him a bland look in response. “Don’t be so dramatic. Isn’t that Bellamy’s job? Stick with sarcasm, it suits you better. Why are you roaming around in your pajamas looking like you just rolled out of bed?”

“Because I  _ did _ just roll out of bed, you ungrateful asshole. My room is next door, and I heard you--”

Clarke’s face scrunched up in confusion, and she leaned out her door to glance down the hall. “You’ve been staying next door? Huh. I didn’t know that.”

“Oh my God, Griffin. Fuck this, I’m going back to bed. Don’t wake me up again.” And with that, he turned on his bare heel and stalked to the next door over, slamming it behind him. Well, would you look at that, he  _ had _ been staying next door.

Seeing as now she was wide awake, she figured she might as well get a head start on this horrible day. She threw on some clothes and headed to med bay to get some last minute inventory in before everyone else woke up and it was time to get back to saving the world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when it comes to the kingdom of Bellarke Stans, we have Queen Diyoza, Princess Madi, Prince Jordan, and the late King Roan, and you cannot change my mind
> 
> if you've watched the first two episodes of this season and want to obsess about them with me, I'm on tumbler as the-griffin-green-blakes, feel free to drop me an ask or slide into my dms, whatever


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madi wakes up; as the team starts exploring the new planet, Murphy starts shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, i know, it's been over a week and i suck. with easter break coming up followed by finals directly after my profs have been piling on the work and i'm sorry. but here, have a friday gift!!

Clarke had to physically restrain herself from pulling Madi into her arms before the girl’s pod was even all the way open, but once her blue eyes were blinking up at Clarke, all restraint fled her. A sob caught in her throat just as Madi’s lips tilted up in a smile, and Clarke pulled her daughter into her arms.

“Woah, hey, Clarke. You can’t have missed me  _ that _ much.” But Madi was clinging back to her just as tightly.

“You have no idea, my little  _ natblida. _ No idea,” Clarke whispered, running her hand down the back of Madi’s head soothingly. She probably needed soothing way more than Madi did, but whatever. 

Eventually, Madi either got tired of being smothered or knew something was up. Probably both. Clarke liked to think she’d raised a smart kid. She pulled back so she could look up into Clarke’s face. “Clarke? You okay?”

Putting on the calmest face she could manage, Clarke nodded. “Yeah, sweetheart, everything is okay. We’ve run into a few snags, but it’s nothing we can’t handle.”

And then, in front of Clarke’s very eyes, the Commander mask slipped down over her daughter’s face, all semblance of childhood joy evaporating. It made Clarke want to sob and scream and demand from the universe why everything else wasn’t enough, why they had to take her daughter too. “What happened?”

After a deep breath, Clarke took Madi’s hand and stood up. “Why don’t we go to the bridge, okay? Everyone else is there, waiting for you. I’ll explain then.”

Madi nodded and followed Clarke out of the cryo room. The walk to the bridge wasn’t long, but it was silent. Clarke could see Madi’s mind running a thousand miles a minute, already planning for every scenario the twelve previous Commanders could conjure. Clarke’s heart ached. 

They finally reached the bridge, and all eyes turned towards them as soon as they walked inside. Bellamy and Raven both flashed smiles at Madi while Echo’s face softened more than Clarke had seen it in weeks. Shaw spun around in his chair long enough to wave before turning back to the computer in front of him. Emori and Murphy, who had curiously been standing quite close with their heads bent close together in conversation, both nodded hello before stepping a bit apart. Jordan bounced nervously on the balls of his feet in the corner, which was appropriate given the almost ferocious look Madi was currently directing at him.

“Who--”

“Madi!” Bellamy broke in before she could finish. “How are you, kid? Good nap?”

Madi turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “Ha-ha, Bellamy. Very funny. Who is that man and what is going on that has Clarke freaked like that time I got lost and she thought I’d fallen into a grounder trap and died?”

As Clarke indignantly declared, “I am  _ not _ ,” she noticed Bellamy’s face pale slightly while Murphy’s head tilted to the side. 

“Sorry to butt in,” Shaw said, spinning around again, “because I love a good family reunion and roast combo as much as the next person, but we really need to get a move on if we want to be able to take off tomorrow.”

Good point.

And so it began. Madi took the news of Monty and Harper’s passing as hard as Clarke thought she would, but she could tell her daughter was trying to supress the tears before they could spill as the Commanders in her head were no doubt demanding. Clarke quickly pulled the young girl into her arms, murmuring soothing words into her hair. Madi allowed this for a minute, before breaking away and walking straight to Jordan. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Jordan,” was the only warning she gave before she threw her little arms around his waist in a hug.

As tears once again sprung to Clarke’s eyes, she looked around to find that she was by far not the only one trying--and failing--to fight off her emotions. The only one that seemed capable was Echo, who stood stoically and stared at nothing. 

They gave themselves a few minutes before getting back to business. Bellamy filled Madi in on their current plan, which she agreed was the best course of action that she could see. When she was told she would be staying on the mothership and would not be on the mission to the ground, though, her eyes lit up in anger. 

“Absolutely not! I am the Commander! If you run into anyone down there, I should be there to greet them.”

Clarke was already shaking her head before Madi had finished speaking. “No, Madi, it could be dangerous--”

“Exactly--”

“You are  _ my child _ , Madi!” Clarke was forever grateful that the others were wisely keeping their mouths shut and staying out of this conversation. “You are twelve years old, and Commander or not, we have no idea what dangers we could be facing on this planet and I am  _ not _ throwing you into that. Besides, nothing can happen to you because you have to lead your people. You’re staying here, and that’s final.”

A stare-down ensued, Madi’s furrowed brow and scrunched nose against Clarke’s practiced blank exterior, ice blue eyes against ice blue eyes. Eventually, Madi cracked. “Fine. But you will radio me  _ constantly _ with updates.”

“Deal.”

The room seemed to release a collective breath Clarke had not been aware they were holding. Bellamy offered a small smile to Madi. “So, Commander, would you like to do the honors of waking the first two of your people and explaining our mission to them?”

_____________________________________________________________________

 

“Have you checked--”

“You know I did, Raven.”

“But what about--”

“That, too.”

“Smartass, you don’t even know what I was going to  _ say _ \--”

Clarke watched as Shaw seemed to lose all patience and clapped both his hands down on Raven’s shoulders. “Rae. Seriously. You and I--and everyone else on this damn ship--know very well that you triple checked all the systems before you let anyone else step foot on this dropship.” At Raven’s glare, Shaw raised a singular eyebrow. Raven huffed and petulantly refrained from replying. Shaw nodded like she’d agreed, anyway. “That’s what I thought. You know we’re good. So quit worrying and quit  _ hovering _ so we can actually take off, for God’s sake. At this rate we won’t make it to the ground until tomorrow.”

Even though he softened his words with a quick kiss to her forehead, Raven still stated, “I resent that,” and then spun on her heel to walk back through the doors to the mothership. 

Shaw rolled his eyes heavenward as he turned to Clarke. “That woman is going to be the death of me.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of Clarke’s mouth. “And yet, something tells me you really won’t mind.”

Shaw let out a surprised sort of laugh as he shook his head. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Got your med kit, doc?”

Patting the bag strapped to her back, Clarke nodded. “Ready when you are, Captain.”

They turned toward the other set of containment doors that led to the dropship, where the rest of their crew was already waiting. Clarke had been on her way to join them when Shaw had stopped her to ask a question but was interrupted by Raven. Clarke entered the bridge of the dropship to find everyone else already seated and facing the window and the planet beyond. Murphy was closest to the window next to the empty pilot’s seat. Behind him were Bellamy and Echo, with Miller, Emori, and Jackson sitting in the row closest to the bridge doors. An empty seat was in front of Miller and next to Bellamy, and Clarke quietly sat down in it and started buckling herself in without a single glance out the window. 

“Alright, boys and girls.” Shaw sat down and rubbed his hands together in glee. “We ready to do this?” After murmurs of assent, he told them all to buckle up and started clicking buttons and flipping switches and doing whatever other technical magic was required to fly this thing. 

Then, with a clank and a hiss and the roaring of rocket engines, they were off into the sky and hurtling towards a planet--though Clarke never once took her eyes off the floor. 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Conversations started about things the others saw or hoped to see or yearned to do. Raven and Madi both came over the radio demanding to know what they could see as they got closer. The whole time, Clarke picked at her nails like it was the most interesting thing she’d ever done.

When the ship touched down with a small jolt, Clarke couldn’t help herself and finally glanced up and out through the window.

_ Blue _ .

That’s all her brain could process, at first. A blue lake surrounded by blue-purple mountains hung in blue-gray mist shrouding blue-green vegetation under a brilliant cloud-filled blue sky. And then there was pale gold sand, and the true green-brown of closer vegetation-- _ trees, _ actual  _ trees _ like they had on  _ Earth _ .

It was...amazing.

Breathtaking. Astounding. Absolutely magnificent. The most awe-inspiring thing she’d ever seen.

She hated it.

What right did she have to be here? Why was she here and Madi wasn’t? Or Jordan or Raven? Hell, even Diyoza deserved to be down here before Clarke did. Why would the universe ever have allowed her such a privilege?

She looked up to see if anyone was thinking the same thing--surely Echo, at least, the woman that hated her and thought she’d left Echo’s boyfriend to die, would hate that Clarke was here? But Echo was slack-jawed, staring out at the brand new world. A glance around showed everyone in various states of awe--Emori was outright beaming, Bellamy’s eyes were bigger than she’d ever seen them, and Murphy was reaching out to the window like he was going to pass right through the glass to the world on the other side.

As if by some unspoken command, everyone else scrambled out of their seats at once. They turned away from the window and toward the bridge doors slowly, as if reluctant to let the planet out of their sights for even the one minute it would take to get to the exit doors. Clarke followed much more slowly, only to find everyone frozen at the bay doors when she arrived, as if they were all too afraid to pull the lever that would change their worlds forever--again.

They stood there in tense silence for several minutes before Clarke finally found the courage to do something to try and diffuse the situation. “Wait!”

Slowly, all heads turned in her direction.

She refused to cower under Echo’s glare. She would not second guess herself in front of Shaw’s and Emori’s confusion. She looked from Miller, to Murphy, and finally let her eyes rest on Bellamy when she said, “...The air could be toxic.”

A slow, brilliant smile lit Bellamy’s face. “If the air is toxic, we’re all dead anyway.”

Murphy and Miller both let out  _ woops _ of excitement before Murphy spun around and slammed the lever up, opening the doors with a groan. A breeze floated into the hanger, smelling of the lake and something sharp, almost like pine but not. There was something sweet like hay, too, and a scent almost like the first rain after a draught. They all took in lungful after lungful, gobbling up everything they could with every sense available to them. But still, they stood frozen in the bay doors, no one stepping down to put what could very well be the first human footprint on this planet.

After several minutes, Bellamy turned toward Clarke, holding out his hand with a smile. “Well, princess, would you like to do the honors?”

The nickname would have once--many, many lifetimes ago--chafed, made Clarke bristle and cringe and tense up. She didn’t know if it was because she hadn’t heard the nickname in forever or because of the tone of voice Bellamy had taken to saying it in after those first initial days on the ground, but she didn’t feel that way anymore. Now it made her want to melt into a puddle and do anything he asked.

Except this. She still did not deserve this.

Clarke saw Echo’s eyes narrow, her mouth dropping open in shock and dismay. Clarke herself was already shaking her head, causing Bellamy’s smile to fall and his brow to furrow. He opened his mouth--undoubtedly to argue with her--but Clarke rushed to speak before he could. “It was a Blake the first time, it should be a Blake the second time. Keep things consistent, you know?”

Murphy snorted. “Does he have to yell the same thing Octavia did?”

Shaking his head, Miller replied, “Nah, saying ‘we’re back, bitches’ implies we’ve been here before, which we sure as shit haven’t.”

With a nod of acknowledgement, Murphy said, “Fair point.” And then he unceremoniously shoved Bellamy off the front of the ship to the ground.

“Hey!” came Bellamy’s strangled, indignant yell as he scrambled to catch himself. 

Echo immediately jumped down after him, growling, “What the  _ hell _ , Murphy?” as she helped a grinning Bellamy right himself.

Murphy shrugged, entirely unrepentant and unconcerned. “He was taking too long, we need to get this show on the road.” 

But then he had to sidestep quickly, because Bellamy had reached up to grab him and yank him down too. This caused Murphy to bump into Emori, who hissed, “ _ John! _ ” and did her best to steady herself in the doorway of the ship. Jackson reached out a hand to help her at the same time as Shaw stepped forward to do so, causing the two men to bump shoulders. Miller then stepped forward to pull his own boyfriend back from the edge--why were these idiots acting like it was a twenty foot drop and not a two foot drop to the ground?--which caused Emori to be bumped again, and just when Murphy reached out to help her…

Bellamy used Murphy’s distraction and hooked a hand around the other man’s elbow, and within a second Murphy found himself sprawled out on his back below a chuckling Bellamy.

While Murphy laid there and groaned, throwing in a, “Fuck you, Blake,” for good measure, Clarke found herself laughing along with everyone else. And then, one by one, they all hopped down from the ship and took their first steps on a brand new planet.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

They spent the entire day collecting information nearby the landing site. Shaw and Raven had packed them all kinds of equipment: things to take soil and water samples, readers to measure elevation, a monitor to keep an eye on the radiation levels, and a lot of stuff that Clarke had no idea the use of. They had brought rations and water canteens with them, but after they got the samples back to the ship and tested them they’d at least be able to make sure the water was drinkable. Unfortunately, much like Clarke’s time in the valley after Praimfaya, whether or not food was edible was going to have to be determined by monitoring wildlife or, unfortunately, trial and error. 

As promised, Madi, Raven, Jordan, and Diyoza were updated by one of the explorers every time there was something relevant to say. They were even updated at times when there wasn’t anything relevant, but Madi or Raven had just gotten too impatient and demanded to be filled in on what had happened in the ten minutes since the last update.

When the twin suns started to set they headed back to the ship to test their samples. They found the water to be drinkable and Shaw sent the readings from the soil sample back to Raven and Jordan on the mothership to determine if it was suitable for growing things. They camped just outside of the dropship that night, no one wanting to spend a single minute inside of a metal box when the outside world was so amazing.

The next day they refilled their canteens and set out in whatever direction Bellamy and Raven had decided best to explore. They hiked all day through forests and across plains, over hills and down valleys. Clarke mapped the terrain meticulously as they went, while some of the others collected different vegetation samples from any new plant they could find, which Clarke also sketched. Whenever they crossed a new lake or stream they gathered more water samples, and took more soil samples every so often too. At the end of the day, they again set up tents under the stars.

This went on for several days. Everyone but Clarke was severely out of practice in walking through the wilderness silently, which made sense if you thought about the fact that they’d all been in space or in a bunker for the last six years, or the last hundred or so in Shaw’s case. Eventually, though, they all started walking quietly enough to stop scaring the wildlife, and they got their first real glimpse at the animals on their new home.

The first time something appeared, Clarke gasped and dropped the pad of paper she’d been drawing the map on. Immediately, her companions were on high alert. Miller and Echo had weapons in their hands before Clarke could blink, and Murphy and Emori were back to back and ready for a fight. Bellamy’s eyes were darting around everywhere, trying to see everything at once, and Shaw slowly sidled closer to Clarke as if she needed the protection.

“What is it?” Echo demanded. “What do you see?”

Clarke guessed that it was pretty sad that they were all so obviously on very high alert. They hadn’t seen a sign of life in two days, and yet at the smallest hint of danger they were all ready to fight to survive. What did it say about them? Just that they’d been through hell, or that they were incapable of not fucking up this whole “be the good guys” thing?

Shaking her head, Clarke tried to put them all at ease. “Nothing--I just saw an animal, over there.” She pointed through the trees in the direction she’d seen something brown dart away in. “It looked to be about the size of a fox, maybe? I only caught a glimpse before it heard me and ran--”

“Because you  _ completely _ over reacted!” Echo yelled, sheathing her sword and stepping at Clarke. “We thought something was wrong!”

Clarke squared her shoulders and glared right back at the taller woman. “It’s the first animal we’ve seen since we landed since none of you know how to be quiet, so excuse me for getting excited!”

The brunette sneered down at her. “The great Wanheda, freaking out over a little bunny. What use are you?”

Clarke wasn’t sure what did it, exactly--whether it was the cursed name, the reminder of all of her failures, or if it was the fact that Echo had hit the nail on the head with her being useless and entirely unnecessary in this new world of good guys. Whatever it was, it made her shoulders slump and her breath hitch, but thankfully Bellamy stepped in before anyone but a smirking Echo could see.

“Echo,” came his deep voice as he put a hand on his girlfriend’s elbow and pulled her away from Clarke, “that’s enough. Clarke was just--”

Echo spun on Bellamy. “Why are you defending her? Why are you always defending her? To me, to Raven, to anyone that even breathes her name. What the  _ hell _ is so good about Wanheda--”

“Shut  _ up _ , Echo!” This time it was Murphy coming to Clarke’s defense, and she shrunk into herself a little more as he put his body between her and Echo. “What the hell is your problem?”

“My  _ problem? _ ” Echo shrieked, and Clarke had had enough. There was no way she was going to be an issue in their family, no way she would be the cause of them fighting--especially not between Bellamy and Echo.

Before anyone could say anything else, Clarke darted around Murphy. “It’s fine, you guys, just forget about it. We’re all a little on edge, just let it go, okay?” She looked pleadingly to Murphy, knowing that if he dropped it and Echo shut up, then Bellamy would drop it too. For a second Murphy looked like he was going to argue, but when Echo rolled her eyes and tossed a “whatever” over her shoulder as she stalked off, Murphy shook his head and walked in the opposite direction. Clarke let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding and avoided Bellamy’s eyes. After a second’s hesitation, he went after his girlfriend, and Clarke went to find somewhere within shouting distance that she could be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ali has informed me that Clarke's first look at the planet is that Lady Gaga gif and i swear that wasn't intentional alright, i was sleep deprived and that's what came out  
> I'll try and do better on the timing for the next update! if I'm taking too long come yell at me on tumblr @ the-griffin-green-blakes


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miller is a bro and I miss him, so he and Clarke have A Moment. Otherwise, the usual shenanigans ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii, in celebration of undergrad being fuckin FINISHED FOREVER, have a chapter! I'm so sorry it's taken so long and I promise to be more regular from now on! Also, HOW ABOUT THAT SEASON PREMIERE?

For the rest of that day and all of the next, things were more quiet and tense. They saw many more animals, now, some very much like what they would find on earth (the fox-sized brown creature turned out to be something akin to a rabbit, but with a long tail like a cat; there was something like a flying squirrel but with disproportionately large paws; and a quite terrifying run-in with what Murphy called a “bear-demon” with short, patchy fur made it well known that apex predators were alive and well) and some that were absolutely mind-boggling in existence (like that pig-coyote- _ thing _ that dropped out of a  _ tree _ , or the creature that flew like a bird and sang like a bird and was totally bird sized but that Clarke was pretty sure was actually a goblin).

All of the meat had been edible, so far. Miller and Emori had eaten some berries that made their tongues swell up enormously, but thankfully Jackson was able to give them medicine before their throats could close. Clarke sketched the berries with “DO NOT EAT” written above it for future reference. 

The only other food issue they had had so far was Clarke’s current predicament, though she saw no reason to share it with anyone right now.

Since The Argument the day before, Clarke had been largely ignored and left to trail at the back of the pack. The others rarely spoke to her except to offer her something to draw. At night, she had set up her tent even farther from the others than she had the previous nights, going from “casually distant for privacy purposes” to “blatantly isolated”. She had barely slept at all, and when she’d finally given up on that endeavor in the wee hours of the morning she exited her tent and relieved Miller of guard duty. To give herself something to do, she pulled out some fragrant leaves she’d picked earlier in their journey to steep in some water she boiled over the fire to make tea.

This was, evidently, the wrong thing to do, because she’d been sweating and fighting nausea ever since she’d drank it. No one paid close enough attention to her once they woke up to notice, and since tea wasn’t really anyone else’s priority and no one just ate leaves, she figured she could wait to tell them to add that particular leaf to their mental “do not eat” list after she felt well enough to string a full sentence together. On the bright side, maybe this would exhaust her so much that she would actually sleep that night. A girl could dream, right?

That night when everyone sat around the fire to eat their latest catch--some kind of wild dog-looking thing with extremely thick fur and four eyes--Clarke was too exhausted to really pay attention to where she sat or give a shit about everyone ignoring her. That’s how she ended up sitting across from a pensive-looking Shaw with Miller and Jackson sitting close together and murmuring quietly to each other on her left. And on her right….well, on her right, it appeared that Bellamy and Echo were quite cozy. Clarke fought not to throw up again. She looked to Murphy and Emori on Echo’s other side, hoping for a distraction, but found the two of them cuddled up as well. 

Abruptly, she stood up. “I’m tired,” she croaked out as she turned toward her tent. “I’m gonna turn in early.”

The only response she got was a, “Night,” from Shaw as she walked away. She ended up walking past her tent and into the forest beyond, never once looking behind her. After a minute of walking she found a downed tree to sit on, and looked up to find a hole in the forest canopy that allowed her to see the stars twinkling above her. No moons for this strange planet. 

She sat in peace for several minutes before reaching for her radio to call Madi. The younger girl could tell something was up right off the bat, and Clarke waved off her concern. She told Madi that she’d just eaten something that made her queasy but that she was staying hydrated and would be fine by morning, and Madi eventually calmed down. Jordan eventually joined the conversation, too. They chatted for a short time before Clarke told Madi to go to bed because, Commander or not, she was still twelve and bedtime was still a thing. Jordan promised to see to it that the young girl followed directions before signing off as well.

They had barely said their goodbyes before something came crashing through the underbrush in Clarke’s direction. It really said something for her exhaustion level that she didn’t even turn in the direction of the noise, let alone do anything to try and prepare to defend herself. In the end, though, it was only Bellamy that came barreling into her little hideaway. With the look on his face, she almost wished it had been one of the bear-demons instead.

“ _ There _ you are!” he shouted. “I was worried! You said you were going back to your tent and then you walked  _ passed _ it--what were you thinking?”

Clarke blinked at him, slowly. His words made very little sense. “Why would you be worried? I was just taking a walk.”

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair in frustration. It had really gotten quite long in the past six-plus-a-hundred-and-twenty-five years. Clarke missed when it was shorter and the curls were untamable and she could barely resist to bury her hands in them, and then reminded herself that she had no right no think such things. She was snapped back to the present when Bellamy exclaimed, “A walk on a new planet in unfamiliar territory when any dangers could be lurking nearby! Honestly, Clarke, what the hell?”

His hands were on his hips now and he was staring down at her with agitation written over every line of his face. Clarke snorted. “I’m a big girl, Bellamy, I can take care of myself. I’ve done it for the last six years, I can do it now.”

Bellamy blanched and cleared his throat. “Right. Of course. I just--I mean--you don’t have to--look, I’m sorry--”

There were not enough words in the English language to express how much Clarke wanted to  _ nope _ out of this conversation. “No, Bellamy, it’s fine--”

They both stopped talking abruptly, staring at each other. Bellamy’s face broke out in a reluctant grin after a minute, and he looked down as he kicked at the ground. Clarke gave a relieved smile of her own.

“So, uh.” Bellamy cleared his throat again. Clarke couldn’t remember the last time she saw him this uncomfortable. “You were, uh, radioing Madi and Jordan?” At Clarke’s slow nod, he rushed to add, “I wasn’t eavesdropping, I swear! I didn’t mean to, I just heard you saying goodbye, and--”

This made Clarke laugh--quiet, strained, but a laugh nonetheless. “Bellamy, I’m pretty sure any life within a five mile radius heard you stomping through the forest to me; I am well aware that you were not eavesdropping.” 

Bellamy smiled ruefully at her and scratched at the back of his head. “Yeah, well. I was kind of...annoyed. You, uh, you talk on the radio often?”

There was something in his eyes Clarke couldn’t quite place. He seemed nervous, like he wasn’t just asking about her calling Madi to update her on their progress or to say goodnight to her daughter and her godson. Clarke had a thought that tightened iron bands around her lungs--had he really heard her radio calls all those years and just not mentioned it? Was he so embarrassed by her feelings that he thought acting unaware was the nicest way he could reject her? But that thought lasted only briefly. There was no way they had heard her radio calls and all seven of them never said a word once they got to the ground. They seemed completely shocked to find her alive. That secret, at least, was safe. The chains restricting her air flow loosened, and she breathed in deeply. 

“I mean, yeah, I’ve talked to them every night, and I update her throughout the day whenever necessary.” She blinked, almost afraid to ask, “Why?”

“Uh,” Bellamy said, staring at her. In the distance, they both heard someone shout, “ _ Bellamy!” _ and the man in question shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Never mind, I just--uh, yeah, that’s good. I’m gonna go see what they want. Why don’t you come back to camp so I don’t have to worry that you’ve been eaten by one of those goblins?”

“The bear-demons are much more likely to eat me than the goblins, but I’ll come back in a minute. I just want to sit here a little longer.”

After shooting her a skeptical look, Bellamy left her there with a stern, “Five minutes, then I come back after you.”

_ Or don’t, _ Clarke thought.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

The following day started as more of the same. The poisonous tea had worked its way out of Clarke’s system and she felt much better, though still tired. She added the leaf to the “do not eat” list in her notebook while she ate her meager breakfast of a handful of sweet berries. They set off again, picking up more samples and fleshing out their maps. Emori whistled a jonty tune that was soon picked up by Jackson, while Murphy and Miller looked on in exasperation. Clarke half expected Shaw to join in, but when she glanced over at the pilot she noticed he was quiet, eyes on the ground in front of him. She made a mental note to keep an eye on him and maybe ask him if he was okay later on as everyone dispersed to set up camp for the night.

As usual, they ate lunch while they trekked, though like the five days prior to this one Clarke didn’t bother eating. She wasn’t all that hungry still, there was no Jordan there to force feed her, and Murphy was too preoccupied with their exploration to keep an eye on her. It was when the two suns had started their descent for the day that things started to get….interesting.

Out of the corner of her eyes she swore she saw shadows moving, but when she turned her head nothing was there. Each time it happened she’d convince herself that it was either the trees moving in the breeze or an animal scurrying around and forget about it. By the time they stopped to camp for the night just as the suns started touching the horizon, the moving shadows had disappeared. Maybe eating so little was affecting her more than she thought. 

She determined that she’d just have to eat more at dinner and drink a lot of water and hope that she was better the next day. When they set up camp, they were in a very thick part of the forest with a lot of low-hanging branches and shrubbery where it really wasn’t safe to start a fire without catching everything around them in a blaze as well. The night was mild enough that they wouldn’t freeze without the fire, too. The others seemed uncomfortable because the fire tended to keep more animals away, but Clarke didn’t mind.

Their tents had to be a little farther away from each other that night, scattered throughout the thick trees. This Clarke  _ really _ didn’t mind; at least this way, she could pretend that her isolation was for practical purposes and not because everyone hated her. She was pitching her tent against one of the trees when she heard someone coming up behind her. She glanced back over her shoulder, confused, to find Miller. “Need some help?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Clarke was pretty sure that Miller didn’t hate her like the others did; he was loyal to Blodreina and didn’t like Clarke because of her opposition to his leader, but she didn’t think it had anything to do with the reasons Bellamy and the others avoided her like a plague. That didn’t mean that it wasn’t weird as hell for him to be seeking her out, but aright.

The two of them worked in silence for several moments. Despite being in an underground bunker for six years, Miller seemed to remember how to survive out in the wilderness fairly well. It wasn’t long before the tent was pitched and Clarke was sitting on a log next to it. To her immense surprise, Miller joined her. 

It was quiet for another few minutes, Clarke waiting out whatever the man had to say, both of them staring off into the trees. Finally, Miller spoke. “You know, I’ve always admired you.”

“Uh. Thanks?”

“Ever since the dropship days, you’ve never hesitated. Bellamy and the rest of us were hell-bent on doing ‘whatever the hell we wanted’, but you were always fighting tooth and nail to keep our dumb asses alive.” He glanced over at her, and they both shared small smiles. 

“Yeah, well, you didn’t make it very easy, but somebody had to do it.”

Miller’s face turned dead serious again, and he looked Clarke straight in the eyes. “I know, Clarke, that’s my point. We  _ didn’t _ make it easy--nothing was  _ ever _ easy--and yet you did everything you could anyway. There were never any good decisions handed to us, but you made the best of it that you could anyway and dragged us all to safety kicking and screaming if you had to. You just kept pushing, kept going no matter what, regardless of what anyone else said or did or what you had to face next. You made every bad decision that had to be made, because there were no good decisions.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Clarke whispered, voice near hoarse.

Miller ran a hand down his face. “I’m telling you this because I thought you of all people would  _ understand. _ That bunker--”

Ahh, so there it was. The bunker. Clarke knew Miller was as loyal as they came, but she was still confused as to how Miller--who stood up to Pike, even if it meant alienating his boyfriend and his best friend--got wrapped up in the whole Blodreina fiasco. It seemed like she finally might get some answers.

Miller had to clear his throat before he could continue. “Bellamy asked me to look after Octavia, did you know that?” He waited for Clarke to shake her head before he went on. “It was before you guys went to get Raven. He pulled me aside and said that just in case anything went wrong, he needed me to step in for him and be there for Octavia. He’d been like a brother to me since we landed on that damned planet, of course I would look after his baby sister for him. And I did. I had her back from day one, and I was proud to do it. At first it was for Bellamy, but then it was for her, you know? She was so young but she was so fierce, so adamant about doing what was best for her people. And she was never given a single good choice, either.”

Miller told her how the fighting pits started, how the grounder clans were still severely divided and demanded retribution for every little infraction, as was there custom. She needed something to unite them, a way for them to get their need for punishment fulfilled without just killing everyone that did any little thing wrong. And for a while things were as okay as they could be. But then the Dark Year happened.

Clarke listened in horror as he recounted the choices Octavia was presented. Watch her people slowly waste away, or turn to cannibalism. Clarke understood that, she really did. But what turned her stomach and made her reevaluate a lot of what she’d seen and heard since they opened the bunker was how it was presented to Octavia. Here the dark-haired queen was, barely twenty years old and leading twelve-hundred people trapped in a metal box underground. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she was given a suggestion that most people gawked at and called monstrous, and yet  _ none of the actual adults had any other suggestions.  _ She was a monster for even considering it, but they weren’t damned for not coming up with anything better.

And Clarke’s mother--oh, God,  _ Abby. _ When she had told Clarke that it was all her fault, Clarke hadn’t believed her. At the end of the day, Abby was still her mom. But maybe there was some truth to Abby’s confession. Clarke understood it, she really did: if the human race was to survive, they had to do this. They  _ had to _ . And Octavia, who had been raised in fear and isolation under the floor, was now right back in the same conditions that she grew up in--except this time she was in charge of people who were finding themselves in her position for the first time. And she was practically still a child.

As Miller finished recounting the tale of the horrors of the bunker, Clarke noted absently that they’d been talking for so long that it seemed everyone else had gone to bed. The two sat in silence for a few minutes, Miller lost in memories and Clarke trying to get her thoughts in order before she responded.

“Miller…” Clarke waited until her old friend turned to look at her again. “I get it, I really do. What you all went through was terrible. What Octavia had to do….I understand why you supported her then. But none of that makes Blodreina’s actions once the bunker was freed okay. She burned the farm to the  _ ground _ , Miller. She made it impossible for anyone who wanted to to survive down there. She took away every option to avoid war. It’s not what she did in the bunker that I condemn, but how power hungry she was once you all got out of there.”

Miller nodded, slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, I understand that. And I--I knew, you know? A part of me knew. A part of me was watching, begging me to do something, to talk to her. Hoping that Bellamy could. But she’d gotten us through so much, you know? We’d gotten close, gotten to be like family. She was sort of my sister, at that point. And after everything we’d been through….” He gave a humorless laugh. “‘ _ You are Wonkru or you are the enemy of Wonkru, choose.’ _ We couldn’t really remember a time before that, at that point. We were all so traumatized by what we’d had to do that we couldn’t imagine not supporting the woman that held us together. I know that doesn’t excuse any of it--especially not the way she acted--but I hope you can at least understand.”

Clarke nodded, slowly. “Yeah, Miller. Yeah, I understand. We all do crazy things for the people we consider family, don’t we?”

“Yeah, we do.”

“Doesn’t make it okay, but it definitely makes us human. We just have to do better now, right? Earn our forgiveness. Prove that we deserve this second chance.”

They sat there for a while, both lost to their demons. Eventually, in a much lighter tone, Miller asked, “So, what’s with you and Bellamy being all  _ not-you-and-Bellamy _ ?”

Startled, Clarke turned to face him and offered a very eloquent, “Huh?”

She got an eye roll in response. “You know  _ exactly _ what I mean, Clarke. Don’t play dumb. Usually you can be found within two inches of each other, and I’ve barely seen you exchange two words this whole trip. What gives? Are Mom and Dad fighting again?”

Clarke sputtered. “ _ Mom and Dad?” _

Miller waved his hand as if brushing away the question. “Yeah, yeah, that’s what we all used to call you. Jasper started it. Now answer the damn question.”

She blinked at him for several minutes before finding the ability to speak. “I fucked up, as per usual.”

“That explains exactly nothing, thank you.” When this didn’t prompt Clarke to continue speaking, he nudged her with his elbow. “Come  _ on _ , Clarke. Jackson and I have been betting on what’s going on all trip, help a guy out, here.”

This, if anything, made Clarke even less inclined to answer his question. With a narrowing of her eyes, she told him so. He just nudged her with his elbow again, harder. “Ow! Okay, okay, fine. It started when Octavia accused me of treason…”

She explained how she begged Bellamy to take care of Madi. Her entire life for six years had been her little girl. She would be fine with whatever outcome she was given, so long as she knew Madi was safe. And there was no one else in the world she had trusted more to take care of her daughter than Bellamy. All of the trauma she’d experienced, all the deaths on her hands and that derision of the people that she would do anything to save, all the isolation and lonliness would all be worth it so long as Madi was safe. That’s all she knew, anymore. For the last six years, Madi had been the only thing that really mattered. Her daughter’s safety was her responsibility.

And then Bellamy--her best friend, her partner, her co-leader and confidant--left her chained to a wall while he went to manipulate her daughter into being willing to die to save  _ his  _ family. He was willing to sacrifice Madi’s safety if it meant he and Spacekru got to live.

So she left him in Polis.

It was her biggest regret, but letting Madi die would have been worse. No Commander ever lived a long, happy life. Tragic deaths were kind of their MO. And Clarke would be damned before she let that happen.

And as if Bellamy hating her for this wasn’t enough, so did the rest of his family. Raven, Echo, and Shaw had tried to kidnap her daughter. And the best part: Raven--her friend, her sister, the brilliant woman she had promised to always choose first--had stood by and watched while Echo had tried to kill Clarke right in front of Madi.

How horrible was it that Madi had to use her Commander status to prevent Echo from killing her? And Raven said  _ nothing _ . Bellamy, Murphy--not that she was really welcomed to their private family conversations anymore, but she hadn’t heard either of them say a word to Echo about it, either. They really, truly hated her. 

If it wasn’t for Madi, Clarke would wish that she had died in Praimfaya like they’d all thought. 

She didn’t say that last part to Miller, of course. But it was there, constantly, in her mind.

Miller opened his mouth to respond just as the snap of a twig sounded in the woods behind them. They both whipped around, ready for trouble, but after several tense minutes of scanning the surrounding forest they saw nothing. 

Then, Clarke’s radio beeped. “Clarke?” Madi. Shit, Clarke had usually checked in by this time of night, the girl had to be worried sick. “Come in, Clarke.”

Forgetting all about the possible forest danger, Clarke scrambled for the radio. “Hey, Madi, I’m here, everything’s okay. Sorry, sweetheart.”

Miller nodded to her and murmured, “Good night,” before heading back in the direction of his tent, leaving Clarke alone with her daughter.

“Oh, thank God! I was worried sick. How was your day?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan, and Team Cockroach is there to (try to) save the day. Also, have some good old fashion Blarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi pls don't hate me even tho I'm not really sorry

Everyone was nearly finished eating breakfast the next morning and Shaw still hadn’t emerged from his tent. Clarke remembered how he seemed quiet and off the day before, so before she went to dismantle her tent she stopped by his to check in.

“Hey, Shaw, you okay?” she asked, standing outside of his tent. When she didn’t receive an answer, she frowned and poked her head inside. What she found made her blood run cold.

Shaw was on his back with his blanket kicked down below his waist. He was dripping sweat and paler than Clarke had ever thought possible. His breathing was ragged and fast.

Ducking back out of the tent, Clarke yelled, “Jackson! Jackson, I need you! Bring the med kits!” before diving back inside to Shaw’s side. She heard shouting and running outside of the tent as she reached for Shaw’s wrist to take his pulse. But when she picked up his hand, she found welts on the back of it, and her heart nearly stopped.

Jackson burst into the tent behind her. “Clarke, what’s wrong?” He came to her side to find Shaw. “Oh, God. What happened?”

“Clarke? Clarke, what’s going on?” Bellamy sounded frantic as he tried to make his way into the tent, but it was really too small for the three people that were already smooshed inside, let alone him too. From the sounds of it, he wasn’t the only one trying to force his way in.

“Everybody out!” Clarke shouted, ghosting her hands over other areas of Shaw’s body to look for more lesions. Jackson was digging through a med bag next to her. “Get this tent down so we have light and space, and then back off!”

Whether it was because of the shock of the situation or because of the authority in Clarke’s voice for the first time since they left earth, the order was obeyed at once. While the sunlight allowed them to see Shaw better, it didn’t change what Clarke thought she saw.

“It’s radiation burns,” Jackson murmured next to her, sounding puzzled. “But, Raven said the levels were safe…”

“The grounders evolved on an increased radiation planet, which increased their tolerance, and we evolved orbiting closer to the sun in space to increase ours. Shaw was in and out of cryo in remote regions of space. He never evolved a higher tolerance. Maybe…?” There was no other possible explanation Clarke could think of, but it still didn’t make sense. Raven was a genius. If she said the planet was safe, then the planet was safe.

“Yeah, maybe,” Jackson said. “I have a bottle of those radiation pills with me just in case, but we’ll need to get him back to the ship ASAP. I’m not even sure if we have enough to get him all the way there.”

“Someone tell us what’s going on!” Echo demanded, getting into the doctors’ space. 

Before either of them could give her an answer, Murphy stepped in front of Echo, forcing her to take a step back. “Oh, what, now you give a shit about Shaw? Last I heard, you were doing everything you could to kill him, despite Raven begging you not to.”

Echo, thankfully, turned her anger to Murphy. “Shut up, Murphy! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about! I never  _ wanted _ him to die--”

“Oh, really? Didn’t seem that way when you--”

“Enough!” Bellamy yelled, getting in between them. “Cut it out! Clarke, what is going on?”

Clarke took a deep breath, looking to Jackson one more time just to make sure he didn’t think they were misinterpreting this. When he nodded back at her, she turned back to the rest of their exploration crew. “Shaw has radiation poisoning. We need to get him back to the mothership, now.”

They all blinked at her for a moment before springing into action. Miller moved to help Jackson make a makeshift stretcher. Murphy, Emori, Echo, and Bellamy scrambled to pack up their campsite--though not before Echo and Murphy shot last lingering glares at each other. Meanwhile, Clarke reached for her radio.

“Raven? Come in, Raven, it’s Clarke.”

After a moment, the brunette’s voice filtered out through the box. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but Raven, are you  _ sure _ the instrument readings said we could survive in this planet’s radiation level?”

Raven scoffed. “ _ Of course _ I’m sure, Clarke. The levels were on the higher end but liveable. Why?”

“Is that considered livable just for us, or for someone that, say, never evolved to higher radiation levels after the earth ended the first time?”

“What? Clarke, what the hell are you talking about? Just spit it out--”

“Shaw has radiation poisoning.”

Silence. Then, a shrieked, “ _ What?” _

“I don’t know!” Clarke ran her free hand through her hair, yanking on it. “I don’t know! We just found him passed out in his tent this morning. He has radiation burns on the backs of his hands and creeping up his arms. We’re packing up to head to the transport ship now and then we’ll be headed to the mothership-- _ fuck _ . Can Emori fly the transport ship?” Clarke hadn’t even thought of that--oh, God, what would they do if Shaw wasn’t well enough to fly the ship and Emori couldn’t?

Raven swore even more viciously. “I don’t know. It’s not like the rocket I taught her to pilot back to earth, I don’t  _ know _ \--”

Hearing the rising hysteria in the other girl’s voice, Clarke rushed to soothe her. “Raven, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out. We have a few of those radiation pills, and Jackson already gave him one. We’ll get back as fast as we can and hopefully he’ll be conscious enough to at least walk Emori through it, and if not then you can over the radio. We’ll figure this out, okay? Shaw is going to be alright.” But Clarke wasn’t sure if she herself even believed that. It depended on how long the pills could keep Shaw from getting worse; they were a week away from the dropship.

They signed off just as Miller and Jackson got Shaw loaded onto the stretcher. As they waited for everyone else to be ready to head out, Clarke poured water from her canteen onto a cloth and laid it over Shaw’s forehead, hoping it would help with the fever. Within minutes, they were moving as fast as they could back in the direction they’d come from.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

The next person to get sick was Echo.

It started later that same afternoon. Shaw seemed to have stabilized--Clarke and Jackson had both checked for more welts only to find that they had neither worsened nor gotten better since that morning. He was in and out of consciousness, awake only long enough to take small sips of water before passing out again. As the day went on, though, Clarke noticed Echo lagging more and more towards the back of their little pack. Then she started coughing, and eventually coughed up blood.

“Echo!” Bellamy yelled, lunging forward to catch his girlfriend as she stumbled. Clarke was already on her way to the spy, grabbing her sleeves and pushing them up.

Radiation burns.

She tilted Echo’s head around, looking at her face and neck. “How long have you been feeling bad?”

“Since--” she had to stop to cough again, “--Since late morning. I didn’t think…”

“ _ Fuck _ .” Clarke shared a look with Jackson. They didn’t have enough pills to treat two people and still make it back to the dropship in time to get them back to space. She turned to Bellamy. “Any ideas?”

Bellamy looked bewildered. “Can’t you give her a pill like you gave Shaw?”

Clarke tried to keep her voice as level as possible “We only have a couple more pills, not enough to keep them both--”

“God  _ damn _ it!” Bellamy turned and punched a tree.

Miller scoffed. “Nice going, genius. Give the doctors even more to worry about right now, great plan.” Bellamy made a sound startlingly like a growl in response. 

As this was going nowhere, Clarke reached for her radio again. “Raven? Raven, it’s Clarke, are you there?”

Raven’s response was immediate, like the radio hadn’t left her hand since the last time Clarke checked in about half an hour ago. “What is it? Is Shaw okay?”

“Yeah, Raven, his condition hasn’t changed. It’s Echo now, she has radiation poisoning too.”

“Mother _ fucker! _ ”

“Yeah, I know. Raven, we don’t have enough radiation pills to get them both back to the ship.” Clarke waited a minute for Raven’s cursing to die down. “Do you have any ideas? Is there another transport ship on the mothership, could you come down and--”

“No, no, there isn’t another transport.  _ Shit. _ I should’ve checked the goddamned equipment--”

“What are you talking about?”

Raven sighed. “The equipment we took the planet readings with. I went back and looked over it this afternoon, found out part of the inside had rusted and threw the calibration off. The radiation is just high enough to slowly poison everyone that doesn’t have nightblood.”

_ Everyone that doesn’t have nightblood. _

There was only one solution, then. “Raven, I have to go. I think I have an idea.”

“What? Clarke, what is it? What are you going to do?”

“No time, Raven.” And with that she flipped the radio off and chucked it into her bag. “Jackson, I have an idea.”

The other doctor was leaning over Echo where she was seated on a rock. Shaw’s stretcher had been set down not far away. Upon Clarke’s announcement, all eyes whipped towards her, and despite the fact that she’d technically addressed Jackson, it was Bellamy who answered. “We’re all ears.”

Clarke really, really hoped Jackson had packed the equipment necessary to pull this off. “Raven said she fixed the machines and then checked the radiation levels again. They’re high enough that only someone with nightblood can survive, which means the rest of you can start getting sick any minute and we need to act fast.”

Jackson had paled at the idea of everyone getting sick, but his voice was steady when he spoke. “What do you suggest?”

Fighting a shudder at the thought of what she had to do, Clarke said, “Nightblood transfusions. From me.”

Silence.

Then, all at once:

“Are you  _ nuts _ ?”

“You can’t be  _ serious _ , Clarke!”

“That almost killed us the first time in a sterile hospital room, and now you want to do it again in the middle of the woods?”

“Isn’t there another way?”

Clarke waited until they were finished, but before she could get another word in telling them that they  _ had _ to do this, that there was no other choice, Jackson spoke up. “Clarke, think about what you’re saying. Taking enough marrow for the seven of us in the short time we would have to do it--Clarke, it could kill you.”

“ _ NO!” _ Clarke whipped around to find Bellamy staring at her in horror. “ _ Absolutely not-- _ ”

“We don’t have a  _ choice _ , Bellamy!” Clarke burst out. “We  _ have _ to do this or  _ you all die!” _

Bellamy stalked forward, getting right in her face. “There is no  _ we _ in this, Clarke! It’s you!  _ You _ are the one that would be hurt--”

“Alright, everyone, calm down!” Jackson shouted, as Miller yanked Bellamy back away from Clarke. It made it simultaneously easier and harder to breathe. “Let’s just take a deep breath. I’m not even sure I have the equipment in the med bags to do a procedure like that, so there’s no use in getting worked up until we know, alright?” They all sat in tense silence while Jackson rummaged through the bags, letting out “hmm”s and “huh”s and “ah-ha”s. Eventually, he sat back and looked up at Clarke.

“Well?” she demanded.

He nodded once in response. Everyone else got right back to getting all worked up. 

Emori hadn’t been in Mount Weather, so she didn’t quite understand what everyone was arguing about. Miller kept going back and forth from explaining everything for her, to lobbing questions at Jackson about how safe this was and what Clarke’s chances were of being irreparably hurt. Bellamy was yelling that any chance was too high of a chance. Echo pointed out that if Clarke didn’t do that,  _ her _ chances of dying were one hundred percent, to which Bellamy desperately responded that they didn’t know that for sure, they could still try to make it back to the ship. Jackson reasoned that there really was no time, they’d be out of radiation pills in another two to three days at this rate, even sooner if others started to get sick. Then, Clarke realized she wasn’t the only one being quiet in this argument.

She turned to Murphy. “You’re strangely silent.”

As everyone else heard and realized how weird this was, they all quieted down as Murphy turned to Jackson and asked, “Are you  _ sure _ the pills would only last three days? You haven’t had to give Shaw another one since this morning, maybe they’d each only need one a day.”

Jackson shrugged helplessly. “There is no way to know until it happens.”

“Then we have to try. Because that’s less of a risk than Clarke putting herself through that.”

As Clarke stared at Murphy in shock, someone gasped, “ _ What?” _

“Murphy, look--I appreciate it, I do.” Clarke reached out to squeeze his forearm in thanks for his support. “But Shaw and Echo could die, and that’s not a risk we can take.”

“The hell it isn’t!” Murphy exploded. “Was dying for us once not enough? Do you want to be gone so badly that you’re willing to give your life for someone that tried to kill you less than two weeks ago?”

All around her Clarke heard murmurs of confusion and gasps of dismay. She couldn’t blame them, she’d never expected Murphy, of all people, the survive-first-ask-questions-later cockroach, to be against something that would surely save his life. But she tuned them all out in favor of focusing on Murphy and getting him to agree to this. “Murphy--”

“No, Clarke! She doesn’t deserve that, not from you!  _ None _ of us do. You already died for us once, you don’t have to do it again.”

“I am not going to die.” Clarke wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Murphy or herself at this point. “It’ll be fine.”

“And what if it isn’t?” And then he rounded on Echo. “Bet that would make you happy, huh? Finish the job you started?”

The last thing Clarke wanted right now on top of all the other shit they had to deal with was to cause a rift between Bellamy’s family. “Murphy, it’s fine. Look, you weren’t even there--”

“Yeah, but I heard you talking to Miller about it last night.” And then he snapped his mouth shut like he’d said to much.

Clarke’s eyes narrowed. “That was you, in the woods. You stepped on a branch. You were  _ eavesdropping. _ ”

He at least had the decency to look somewhat sheepish. “You’ve been weird ever since we woke up. I’m just watching out for you. Team cockroach, and all that jazz.”

Before Clarke could respond, an indescribable noise escaped Bellamy’s mouth, and he turned to find him starting at Echo with a look on his face that was somewhere between confused and very, very angry. “ _ You did what?” _

Clarke sighed. “God damn it, Murphy.”

“What?” Murphy looked back and forth between Clarke and Bellamy as everyone else held very, very still. “Loverboy didn’t know that his psycho girlfriend tried to kill his ‘best friend’, or whatever the hell you kids are calling it these days? Well, he  _ should _ know. He  _ should _ know that you risked both your life and Madi’s life so you didn’t have to kill Echo out of respect for him, while she didn’t even think twice about it. He  _ should _ know that Raven stood there and watched, and that it was Madi that had to command Echo to stop killing her mother. He should know that. And if he doesn’t do something about it, then we are going to have a problem.”

“ _ Murphy _ ,” Clarke exhaled with utter exasperation, but the damage was done. Bellamy was looking at Echo as if he had no idea who she was. 

Finally, the woman spoke. “Bellamy--”

That seemed to snap him out of whatever stupor he was in. “ _ No _ .” And he moved as far away from her as he could get, turning instead to Clarke. “You are  _ not _ doing this. I won’t let you.”

Clarke squared her shoulders and glared at him. “Good thing I don’t take orders from you, then.”

And Bellamy sounded heartbroken when he said, “ _ Clarke.” _

Before Clarke’s resolve could really waver, though, Miller shouted, “Guys, I think Shaw is getting worse!” The two doctors ran over to the pilot to find him shivering uncontrollably with radiation welts spreading up his neck to his face. 

“Not good, not good,” Jackson murmured. 

“Jackson, you know this is the only way. Those pills won’t get us back to the ship. The longer we wait the worse it’ll get. We  _ have _ to do this.” 

Jackson stared at Clarke for a moment before slowly nodding, defeated. “I’ll prep for surgery. Can you get those tents set up into one large one around the rock Echo’s been sitting on? It won’t exactly be a sterile environment, but it’s better than nothing.”

Clarke turned to do just than when a hand closed around her elbow, and she was yanked around to face Bellamy. “ _ I said no. _ ”

“And I said I don’t take orders from you!” Clarke yanked her arm free to start in the direction of the tents, only to be yanked back again. “Come  _ on _ , Bellamy, you know this is the only way--”

“Like hell I do!” Clarke had never seen Bellamy this frantic since the day they dropped out of the sky and landed on their first unfamiliar planet. His eyes were huge, pupils blown wide in panic, and he was shaking with the effort it was taking to stand still. Clarke had a feeling what he really wanted to do was sit on her until she decided to let this idea go and was holding himself in check. “You aren’t even willing to try another way, Clarke. You just have to be the martyr.”

“Fuck you, Bellamy! This has nothing to do with me being a martyr and everything to do with the seven of you dying! One life for seven isn’t a bad trade off, especially when one of those seven is  _ the only person that can get us back to the mothership.  _ If Zeke dies, we don’t get back to the mothership, and I have no idea if the mothership is capable of landing on this planet. We have no choice. Now get out of my way.”

As Bellamy covered his face with his hands and yelled, “ _ Fuck!” _ Clarke turned back to her original task. She was hoping that would be the end of it, but of course Bellamy was too much of a stubborn idiot to just drop it. “Look, Clarke, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Please, let’s just talk about this.”

Clarke started yanking tents out and zipping them together to form a larger canvas, Miller appearing at her side to help her. Whether he was sent by Jackson or was offering backup against Bellamy out of the goodness of his heart, Clarke wasn’t sure, but she’d take it. “It doesn’t matter. This is what we have to do.”

And, to Clarke’s extreme horror, Bellamy’s voice cracked as he said, “I cannot watch you die, not again. Don’t make me go through that a second time. I can’t take it, Clarke.”

The words froze her in place. “And how do you think I’ll feel if  _ you _ die  _ because of me? _ How do you think I’ll feel when you’re--when you’re all--dead because I didn’t even try to save you? I’m doing this, Bellamy. Either help me or get out of the way.”

_____________________________________________________________________

 

They were ready to go within half an hour.

While Jackson had been setting up his medical instruments inside the tent, Clarke called Madi to give her and the others an update.

Also, just in case shit went south, she supposed she should sort of say goodbye to Madi and Jordan, especially. 

Both her daughter and her godson were adamantly against Clarke undergoing the procedure, especially enough for seven doses at one time. Even Raven suggested just taking enough marrow for Shaw and Echo for now and doing a procedure for the others when they needed it to at least allow her body  _ some _ recovery time. Clarke knew, however, that that was a risk they couldn’t take. There was no pattern to how fast radiation poisoning progressed, and any of the others could drop dead at any moment, however unlikely as that scenario was. Besides, she wouldn’t really get to recover if she just had to undergo the surgery again in a couple hours or even a day, which made the wait counter-productive. Madi suggested waiting until the transfusion worked on Shaw and Echo and having them donate for the others to spread it out a bit, but Clarke and Jackson agreed that the wait time for the transfusion to take completely would be too long. It had to be Clarke, and it had to be now.

There weren’t any anesthetics in the med bags they brought from the ship, but thankfully there were some pain killers, so at least there was a small silver lining. As Clarke laid down on the rock--not the most uncomfortable bed she’d ever laid on, if she was being entirely honest--she hoped that she was able to handle whatever pain she went through well enough that she didn’t show outward signs of it. Madi, Jordan, and Raven had insisted upon keeping the radio line open at all times so they could hear what was going on in real time and receive updates on everyone’s conditions immediately. The last thing Clarke wanted was for her daughter to hear her screaming. 

“Are you ready for this, Clarke?” Jackson looked down at her with worry-filled eyes. Miller was standing a little behind him, ready to provide any assistance the doctor needed. Murphy stood on the opposite side of the makeshift operating table to help as well. Clarke guessed that Emori and Echo were out watching over Shaw.

When she had told Bellamy to either help or get out of her way, he’d stated “I cannot watch you die,” and then stalked off, so she was unsure where he was or what he was doing. She tried not to worry about him and tried even harder to pretend that, if she ended up dying today, not having Bellamy by her side wouldn’t hurt as much as not having Madi there. 

Snapping back to her current situation and Jackson still waiting for an answer, Clarke gave as confident of a nod as she could manage. By the look on Jackson’s face, she may not have succeeded, but there was nothing that could be done. They had to do this. 

Jackson took a deep breath, and said to Miller and Murphy, “Okay, hold her down.” Just as he moved toward Clarke with an instrument in his hand Clarke refused to look at, someone burst into the tent.

“Wait! Wait, I’m here.”  _ Bellamy _ . The relief that flooded Clarke’s body was instant and, quite frankly, a little embarrassing. Bellamy moved to her side and folded her hand in between both of his. “I’m sorry, Clarke, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have walked off like that. I’m here, okay? You’re going to be okay.”

“You won’t leave?” Clarke hated how small her voice sounded.

“No, I won’t leave.” Bellamy brushed her hair back off her forehead and tucked it behind her ear.

“What do you mean, Bellamy hasn’t been here the whole time?!” Madi’s voice shrieked from the radio. “Bellamy, what the hell? You promised me you’d take care of Clarke--”

Clarke knew that she was about to undergo a very risky surgery and that this was really not the most important thing to argue over at the moment, but she still snapped, “Madi,  _ language. _ ” She received a huff from the radio in response. 

“I will, Madi, you’re right. I’ll keep her safe. She’ll be alright, and I’ll be here the whole time.”

It was stupid. It was so, so stupid, Clarke knew that. But for this one moment, she was going to pretend like the events of the valley never transpired. For this one moment, she was going to allow herself to be weak, and imagine that Bellamy was her person again.

She gripped Bellamy’s hands as hard as she could in her own.

“Okay, Clarke. You ready?” Jackson asked again, and as she nodded Miller and Murphy stepped forward, and then the pain began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you guessed that there was eavesdropping on the Miller-Clarke convo, so good job!! Ali, my wonderful beta, didn't see it coming, so I thought I might get you guys too :P As always, come scream with me for any reason at all on tumblr @ the-griffin-green-blakes, and I always live blog during the episodes so feel free to rant with me then. Hopefully I'll have another update for y'all next week!!
> 
> (Ps: I had up to this chapter at least roughly written before the season premiere even leaked, and I really super promise I am not going to fuck over Shaw like canon did, because that's just dick and unnecessary)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Surgery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there whaddup I'm months upon months late because life sucks but i'm back babey! Sorry for how short the chapter is, I had planned on making it as long as the others but I've been having trouble with the next scene so I figured I'd just cut it so you could have SOMETHING to show you that I have not disappeared forever

_Do not scream do not scream do not scream do n_

_Agony_

_Is this the death wave?_

_Did I not make it?  
_   
_“Shh, Clarke, shh, it’s okay. I got you.”_

_Is that me whimpering?_

_Oh God oh God oh GOD_

Blackness.  
_____________________________________________________________________

_Am I on fire?_  
 _  
__Who is screaming?_  
 _  
Oh, no, Madi._  
 _  
Shh, have to be quiet. Can’t scream._  
 _  
Why does everything hurt?_  
  
Blackness.  
_____________________________________________________________________

_I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t_

_Just let me go._

_Please, please just let me go._

Blackness.  
_____________________________________________________________________

 The first time Clarke gained any sort of consciousness that wasn’t disjointed, all she registered was yelling.

It hurt. A lot. Could they not keep the volume down?

“Jackson, _she is dying!_ _DO_ SOMETHING!”

“I’m trying, Bellamy, I swear--”

_Bellamy?_ Clarke tried to squeeze her hand, get his attention, but she couldn’t even feel her own arm, let alone if his hand was still inside hers or if she succeeded.

“Jackson, I swear to God--”

She blacked out again.  
_____________________________________________________________________

 Gaining consciousness the next time was like diving underwater in the lake at night.

Everything was so cold it was like hot little needles were pricking through every inch of skin and down into her bones. (Did she even have bones anymore? Didn’t feel like it.) The cold made everything sluggish, heavy; even underwater she felt like her body weighed five hundred pounds. And the blackness--it was everywhere, not a shaft of light to be seen. Which way was up? Was she swimming deeper or to the surface? Where was Madi, was she alright?

She lost the fight with the lake, and sank slowly to the bottom.  
_____________________________________________________________________

 A murmur.

She strained.

The murmur turned into low voices, just barely audible. Her ears felt stuffed with cotton. Or was that her brain?

“All seven of us have been given the injections, so we should be in the clear. Clarke…”

Her name. That was her name, right? Clarke. Yes, that’s right, she was Clarke. Why did everything hurt…

“Only time will tell. I don’t want to move her, but we really need to get her back to the mothership and the OR. I need Abby’s help. Maybe we should split up, some of us go get the ship--”

“How? Shaw is just barely conscious, he isn’t ready to fly--let alone make the trek back to get the ship. How will we get it back here?”

Clarke’s ears filled with static for a while--or maybe she lost consciousness again, which was inconvenient.

She resurfaced, this time, to shouting. “I am not leaving her! You’re insane if  you think I would ever--”

This time she definitely did lose consciousness.  
_____________________________________________________________________

 She was moving.

Her entire body still felt like it had been ravaged by the flames of Praimfaya, so she couldn’t exactly feel what she was laying on. Clarke could tell, however, that whatever it was wasn’t smooth like the rover. It was choppy, like waves. A boat? No, not quite…

A voice Clarke was--even in her half delusional, pain-soaked brain--entirely certain she’d never heard before in her life snapped, “There are things and people in these woods that want us dead. You fall behind, you will be.”

Then, the rocking sensation increased, and Clarke felt herself moving faster. Were they carrying her on a stretcher? Where were they going? Who was that woman? She tried her best to pry her eyes open and see for herself, but to no avail.

Someone must have stumbled, because Clarke was bounced in a way that would normally have made her cry out in pain. As it was now, only a whimper escaped past her lips, and she slipped into oblivion.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISE I am not giving up on this story, no matter how long it takes me. I had MAJOR writers block for the rest of summer and then have not had a single day off work for the last three months and was doing an unpaid internship for 5/7 of those weekdays, so needless to say that didn't help at all. But I've found some inspiration and am going to crank out as much as I can while the mood strikes me, so hopefully I'll have more for you super soon! Y'all's comments and kudos continually help me find the motivation to stay with this, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart❤️ and as always, come find me on tumblr @the-griffin-green-blakes if you wanna scream about how much the hiatus from the show and also my hiatus from this fic are driving you nuts

**Author's Note:**

> Whatcha think? Yay? Nay? I've got quite a few chapters written so I'll update soon. Comments and kudos provide me energy when I stay up writing when I should be sleeping. Come talk to me on tumblr @ the-griffin-green-blakes


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